Mother bought dinner for us all today. "take out the cutlery" were her instructions to me, and I dragged my feet from the comfort of my room to the wooden drawers to pull out 3 sets of silverware for dinner. You were always particular about how people held their cutlery, damn — you knew your fine-dining well. As I ate I found myself recalling your words at the dinner table the week before — I wanted to practice so that I could impress you the next time we had a meal together, or at least, I didn't want my cutlery-holding to bother you. I never wanted to bother you. You were always so careful about small things like this, small things people don't usually notice — I liked how quirky you were.
I walked past Macdonalds today and did not buy a bag of fries. I figured that it was worth putting out there because it rarely happens. I consider not-eating dinner in the hopes of losing a couple of grams but your voice echoes at the back of my mind. I recall you telling me that starving myself only makes it worse. I recall that article you showed me just to prove yourself so that I would take your word seriously. I recall the adorable smile that surfaced upon your face when I reluctantly gave in and grabbed a meal — damnit you're so cute. And so, I decided to have dinner instead of miss this meal — I knew you would be unhappy if you found out I did otherwise, although you would never find out.
I tried to get down to studying that day. I plugged in my earphones and familiar lyrics found their way into my head. I never understood how I could listen to this song non-stop on ends for weeks without getting sick of it. But who am I kidding, it was a beautiful song. I could easily add it to the soundtrack of my life. I remember sharing with you my playlist. I remember you telling me that you liked this song, and the song that played after that.......and the song that played after that. You insisted on seeing my music but I refused — I was always really insecure about my taste in music. It was sorta always my thing. You told me you would never judge me for my music and i remember us journeying back to the days of Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana — I don't know why I remember these conversations we have, but I do. And as my mind drifted back to the now, I realised it was time for bed but I have not touched a single question on Thermal Physics — I am so screwed for Terms.
I bought a sunflower today. I've always liked sunflowers — yes, I bought it for myself. I can feel your judgement. You've never bought flowers for anyone before, I remember that. I was hoping I'd be the first. It's stupid, but a girl can dream right? I wonder if you remember that sunflowers are my favourite. I wonder if you even know that I like flowers. I certainly don't know if you do. But then again, neither do you — since you've never received flowers in your entire life. I have a fake sunflower in my room, you can have it if you want, it's as fake as the end to this post because I dont know how to end it so here (ok anti-climatic I know, I'm sorry )-: )